POLICE AND FIRE

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!", "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called in the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.

Well, they said. "Let's try this out." Once more they called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration and bowed his head.

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal. 'Your Holiness' said one of the Cardinals, 'Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world'.

The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, 'Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?'  'None who plays golf very well,' a Cardinal replied. 'But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match.'

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. 'This is Cardinal Nicklaus.  I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness,' said the golfer.

'Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus,' said the Pope. 'Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.'

'How can there be bad news?' the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, 'I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

BEING A CHRISTIAN IS LIKE BEING A PUMPKIN

A lady recently being baptized was asked by a co-worker what it was like to be a Christian.

She replied, 'It's like being a pumpkin: God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off you may have gotten from the other pumpkins.

Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff.  He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I must know how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr.. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." Jordan said, "No problem. But you are not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell off the my balcony!

Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cursing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get use to this new policy", he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator......."

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me" said one boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy can riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery, and he slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh, my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing soul at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." This third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2" hard-bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh, my God...'."

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets a demon.

Demon: "Why are you so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon:" Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly"

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall.

Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "we have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.

The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life.

Hillary asked "where is Bill's clock?"

St. Peter replied, "Jesus has it in His office... He is using it as a ceiling fan.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome , scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence....

Three proofs that JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was bilingual.

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK

1. He called everybody "brother".

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.

3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

A PARENT’S PRAYER

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,
Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
 

I pray for time all to myself
(Did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish...dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean
(Well heck, I've got the right to dream)
 

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

“That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."!

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service: "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt ," said Kyle.  "I see...And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms.   Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"  "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot.”

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?"  "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.  My Mom is a good cook.

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Kentucky , a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon,  she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'   It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make me too?"

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." 

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?"  Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Okay Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

 A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.  "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I descend into hell!"

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would spring, and the actor would drop from view.

The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.  When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck.  No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle , Kentucky , a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!'

It worked."

One Sunday in a Midwest city , a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

The five year old boy had been bored and restless throughout the mass, and finally, following communion, the priest was wiping the chalice.    The youngster turned to his mother and asked pleadingly "OK, he's done talking, do we have to wait for him to do the dishes?"

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "Your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references -- no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress -- no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes up the blonde, and hands her $500. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes up the blonde again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

So much for smart lawyers and dumb blondes!

There was a man sitting on his front porch enjoying the beautiful weather, when his wife comes out and goes to the mail box, he notices she looks disappointed as she goes back into the house. Then he notices that she comes out, goes to the mailbox and looks inside again.

He watches his blonde wife come out and check the mailbox a total of 6 times in a 20 minute time span. On her last visit to the mailbox, he stops her and asks, "Are you expecting a special delivery or something? You have been to the mailbox 6 times in 20 minutes."

She replies, "No that stupid computer keeps saying 'you have mail' and I haven't seen any yet!"

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore. The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."

On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The copilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the copilot asked what he said to her that finally persuaded her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York.

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.  The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!" she exclaimed.

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Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba."

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

                1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba. "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

The top things you would NEVER hear a redneck say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening ...

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Be careful of what you say... you might be changing the history of the world!

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", were televised to Earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small mid-west town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex?! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!" 

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I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.  Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.  Then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

MIX UP WITH THE DOCTOR TEST

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's.  Frankly, it is either bad or terrible!"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.”

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV..... 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.' "

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second of men.

Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

CARPET LAYER 

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

"Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my parakeet."

DAUGHTERS DEAD RABBIT

Years ago while lying in my hammock I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's rabbit.

For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.

The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced it back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock.

Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.

Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would Dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"

A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside. A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?"

"For how much?" asks the man.

"One hundred dollars."

"I'll give you five bucks."

The girl spits at him and walks away.

A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. On the first corner they come to there is the same hooker.

She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "You see? You see what you get for five bucks?"

This is supposedly an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida. Rumor has it that they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him, he's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks....

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"And my dearest, Donald," she said, "the chicken was delicious!"

A man was driving along a dusty road, when all of a sudden he ran out of gas. The man walked to the nearest house and asked if he could get some gas. Just as he went inside the house, it started to pour rain. The owner of the house said that he could stay the night.

"But if you go into the garage," he said, "There is a monster there. No matter what you do, don't touch it."

The man agreed to this, and went up to the guestroom.

The man was curious, so he went down to the garage, and there, sure enough was the monster. It was huge and ugly.

The man thought that he'd see what would happen if he threw something at him. So he picked up a rock and threw it at the Monster. Nothing happened.

The man made a horrible face at him and nothing happened.

The man tried calling him names. Still nothing happened.

Then the man reached over and touched the monster.

Up the monster jumped and started chasing after the man. The monster chased the man all over the countryside, until the man reached a cliff.

The man thought that he was going to die, so he curled up into a little ball, and waited for the monster.

Just then the monster came up and was right over top of him. The monster reached down and said, "You're it!"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

Simple Duties:

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)

You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)

When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)

When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)

In the snow (+8)

But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with a six iron (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements - A Party:

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college

drinking buddy (-2)

Named Tiffany (-4)

Tiffany is a dancer (-6)

Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted

in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:

Go with a pal (-5)

The pal is happily married (-4)

Or frighteningly single (-7)

And he drives a Mustang (-10)

With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)

Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy

Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)

The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:

You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

 

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

14. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

9. "Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

6. "The coffee machine is broke....

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

2. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands!"

1. And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: "Amen".

Let's Imagine: It's time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on three leading candidates.

Candidate A:

• Associates with ward healers and consults with astrologists
• He's had two mistresses.
• He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:

• Was kicked out of office twice.
• Sleeps until noon.
• Used opium in college.
• Drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

• Is a decorated war hero.
• He's a vegetarian
• Doesn't smoke,
• Drinks an occasional beer
• Hasn't had any illicit affairs.

 Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt

Candidate B is Winston Churchill

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

• Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

• There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

• One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, some hard-body in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

• The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

• Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.

• Families are like fudge .. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

• Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

• Middle age is when you start choosing your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

• If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

• You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, The Pillsbury Doughboy, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a slightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Captain Crunch and many others. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than....................punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the........................bug is close.

It's always darkest before..............daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of............termites.

You can lead a horse to water but ...........how?

Don't bite the hand that.......................looks dirty.

No news is.........................impossible.

A miss is as good as a........................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog.....................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you.......will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust........................me.

The pen is mightier than......................the pigs.

An idle mind is......................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's..............pollution.

Happy is the bride who..................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is.........................not much.

Two is company, three's.....................The Musketeers.

None are so blind as.....................Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed............get new batteries.

You get out of something what you.......see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.

There is no fool like...........................Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and......you have to blow your nose.

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

On Friday, September 10th, Jayne Carroll - a radio talk show hostess - asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Carroll's Portland, Oregon, call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons.

The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:

Perjurers' Palace

Hill BillyVilla

The House of Bill's Repute

Drawers Downs

Cheatem Estates

Castle of Contempt

Sin Simeon

The House That Terry Bought

The Knee Pad

The White Trash House

The Blight House

The Panderos

Liars' Lair

Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast

The Clinton Compost

Dogpatch on the Hudson

Rancho Immoral

Deceitful Domicile

Monica's Man's Manor

The Hen House

The Out House

The Big House

The Love Shack

Lucifer's Lair

House of the Rising Son

The House of Seven Felonies

Cottage of Contempt

Motel Sex

But the clear, hands-down winner was- DISGRACELAND

In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x 10'cell. At work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' pod.

In prison they get three meals a day. At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work I must wear an ID badge at all times. In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.

At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes. In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.

At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.

In prison they can watch TV and play games. At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it. At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.

In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want. At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.

In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions. At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.

In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere. At work you are just ball and chained.

In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles. At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.

In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer. At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

For anyone who has had to deal with an irate customer, this is for you. An award should go to an airlines gate agent (I don't know for sure this is true, but it sounds good) in Denver for being smart and funny and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as baggage.

A crowded a flight was canceled, a single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F*** you!"

Without flinching, the agent smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

There is a serious virus going around called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague... DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough of your crap... I'm off to the lake." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Grab your stuff and head off to the nearest lake, preferably with a friend who has a boat. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Fishing with Roland Martin" is the greatest TV show ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth"

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him circumcised."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep .

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. 'Watson look up at the sky and tell me what you see". Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars".

"What does that tell you"?

Watson pondered for a moment. "Astronomically,it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially millions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically. I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you"??

Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced. As the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, and asked the doctor to bump it up a notch. The doctor adjusted the machine for 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. However, when they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man rips one and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing." A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about ten minutes, the old man rips one again and says, "Touchdown--I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Now starting to get into it, the wife quickly rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man, not to be outdone, strains really hard but to no avail. He just can't cut another one! So not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more good one. Straining really hard, the old man tries so hard he messes the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him what?

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, 'Paint my house.'

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence......  Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for History Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide<
14. Different Ways to Spell 'Bob' 13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance<
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA<
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book
And the number one World's Shortest Book: --  The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: Everyone

RE: Christmas Party

DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-cost bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2

RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party".

======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms

.=====================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

Okay???

======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

Could we lighten up?

======================================================

FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10

RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! Salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream right now...!

=======================================================

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources

Director

DATE: December 14

RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Chanue-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas

---

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY - Some people are like slinkies - they are not really good for anything .....but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs!

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